YAY, it’s almost Valentine’s Day! I have never said those words in my lifetime. When I was single, I hated this day because of the pressure I felt to make it look like I had cool plans… hell, any plans! And now that I’m not single, I really prefer to have no plans (don’t judge me.. I need sleep). When I asked one of my friends for help with writing this blog and he said, “Hel-LO, I’m married. I haven’t celebrated this holiday in years.” Yeah, I totally get that. And can you really call it a “holiday”?? To me, it’s just a day that has been forced on us and causes a certain level of panic no matter what your situation.
And it can be a real challenge to figure out what, if anything, you want when asked. Take me, for example. I am a super frugal female who is not very romantic. That means if you make me a homemade card with a sappy love poem, I will probably dig that we have plenty of money leftover to go out to dinner, but I might be too nauseous to eat it after reading that card. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate anything I am given. But I’m at the point in my life where if you’re going to get me something, I’d like to.. I don’t know.. actually like it.
Really it can be tricky for peeps on either side of the gift. If you do something to acknowledge the day and what you do sucks, you disappoint your target. (I like using the term “target” because of that whole Cupid shooting peeps with an arrow deal – the only thing I find slightly kick ass about Valentine’s Day). Then again if you don’t do anything special for your target – because you don’t know what to do or your target tells you not to do anything but really doesn’t mean it (Estrogenocide Alert! yes, we ladies will sabotage you this way, guys) – then you’re probably going to look like a douche. This is a big part of why Valentine’s Day sucks.
That’s why I decided to write this helpful guide for you men who are struggling to figure out what to do for your special someone this year. Even if your lady is a hopeless romantic who wants you to spend an ass load of money on her, you might still find something useful here. Or you may just laugh and think, thank God I am not with this batshit crazy female!
The Gift of Calories
Men, don’t forget those three very important words this Valentine’s Day: Bitches Need Chocolate. I have to say that the gift of a box of candy is pretty unoriginal. However, it does have its advantages. One is that you are letting your target know that you trust her with chocolate. But what you may not realize is that we secretly believe you are saying we look good enough that we can handle gaining a few pounds. Men, this is HUGE… no pun intended. Please though, if you do buy chocolate get the good stuff… not the crap in the tacky cardboard heart that’s in a bin beside the condoms at the drugstore! (although who can’t appreciate that product placement?)
Here’s the break down of the levels of skill in Valentine’s Day gift giving:
Amateur: A sub-standard candy assortment or a month’s supply of Kit Kats.
Almost a rockstar: Godiva chocolates or dinner at a nice restaurant.
(if the restaurant has the name of a dude in it, or contains the word “Corral” or “Barrel”, it’s a NO go, m’kay?)
Nothing says “I care about you and I am so sure you don’t need to diet that I am giving you your fat gram allowance for the next month in advance” quite like bacon. Plus you’re showing your willingness to share bacon. That’s love, man! Remember, bacon is meat candy. This just makes sense.
The Gift of Leisure
In many cases, your target wants time to herself more than she wants time with you (sorry boys, truth hurts). Because it’s the beginning of a new year, you might be tempted to buy her a gym membership. Do NOT do this. Even if she has said the words, “I would like a gym membership”, she does not mean it… at least from you. Purchasing something like this activates a booming voice in her head that repeats, “HE THINKS YOU ARE A FAT ASS”, for an indefinite period of time. I know it’s confusing, but we’re women so just accept it and move on. If you want to get her some yoga pants or other workout wear, that is fine. Workout clothes make great loungewear! (I should know since I call my yoga pants, “beer drinking couch pants”)
Amateur: A stairmaster or a snuggie.
Either extreme of this broad spectrum is a bad move. The stairmaster implies that she’s not perfect. And the snuggie implies that you think she will never be perfect. BAD.
Almost a rockstar: Do all the household chores, take care of the kids, or both.
Your woman needs a break, so anything that helps lighten her load is a good thing. If you really want to make her happy, hire a professional crew to clean the house. You might be very pleased with the reward you receive! (unless you don’t like blow.. uh.. pops… *cough*)
I’m not kidding. And I don’t mean a ton of bank. Just give me 5 bucks so I can treat myself to a Starbuck’s (well ok, make that 10 bucks… those bastards..) With the gift of money, she can do what she wants and you have sacrificed something that is really important to you, which shows you mean business. WIN!
The Gift of Appliances
…Quit doing that.
(seriously… don’t ever give your target an appliance as a gift… never ever ever ever)
Almost a rockstar: NO! (I’m not kidding… you will not get laid for months)
Expert: A blender AND a bartender.
Honorable mention: A kegerator.
These are the only two exceptions and if you do either one you are a badass.
The Gift of Romance
Like I said, I’m not really romantic, so this is a tough one for me. I can tell you what is not romantic: the “wang wave”. That’s anything involving you grabbing your penis and waving it around at your target. I found out that it is also known as “the helicopter” (thank you urbandictionary) Whatever you call it…WHAT THE HELL??!!… yeah, this is not romantic and most ladies will not find you sexy for doing it, perhaps ever again. Try something like having a picnic with a cheese wheel and large box of wine or bring her favorite beer home to her (by now, you’ve figured out that my love language is 80 proof). Pick a simple gesture that you know she likes and just do it. Just do not pull out your “love gun” unless she asks, ok?!
Amateur: Anything involving an unwelcome penis.
Almost a rockstar: Anything involving food that she doesn’t have to prepare.
Expert: Anything involving booze.
If she doesn’t like the gift, then you get to keep it. Either way, somebody’s getting ripped!
GOOD LUCK and Happy Valentine’s Day!