Spring Break: A week in which one does not wear pants

Spring Break! Wooooooo hoooooooo…. right? Depending on where you are in life, you might not be quite this excited about it.

If you’re like most of us in the Lionz Den, you’ve moved beyond the crazy fun of your college days into a more… uh.. sedate way of life. (I stopped myself before I said it was “boring” because frankly I would give anything to be bored)

Because apparently we like to torture ourselves, we compiled this chart listing the differences in Spring Break then and Spring Break now. If you find you’re still in the Then column, enjoy the hell out of yourself before Spring Break turns into Spring BROKE.

If you’ve fallen into the Now column already then stay strong, my friends, and be proud of yourselves for making it out alive. Cheers!

 

Thanks to our friends Jason, Lisa, Jeff, Rob, Philip and Eric for the assist. Kudos to Brett for always making us look like we have mad Photoshop skillz. (credit for blog title to urbandictionary.com)

 
Copyright © 2012 Little White Lion
All Rights Reserved

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Beer. The Piss of Angels.

BEER. Some think it’s the “sweet nectar of the gods”.
Yes, even green beer
well ok, maybe not..

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, we celebrate the unofficial drink of the Irish… well one of them anyway. If you don’t like beer, or even if you do, you might think all beer drinkers are the same. Oh no. We’re as different as the 100+ entries for “beer” found in the Urbandictionary. My personal favorite? “Beer – fermented shit dat taste good “.  Well said!

Because we believe that beer drinkers can be put into unique categories and we like to be snarky assholes, we put together some FLOWcharts (you can blame that bad pun on the beer we were drinking when we did this). Cheers!

 

 

Thanks to our friends Jason, Kevin, Lisa, Jeff, Rob, Philip and Eric for all the help with this crazy post. And a special shout out to Brett for making these badass charts and including that sweet photo of The Hoff! xo

 
Copyright © 2012 Little White Lion
All Rights Reserved

Dude, where’s my card?

Valentine’s Day. The holiday about love that so many do not love. Over the years, this day has become more about Valentines for kids than happy couples. What does it really have to do with romance? For some it helps keep the fire burning and if that’s you then, bravo! But for us sarcastic smart asses… well, we have other thoughts that we put into our very own cards. Eat your HEART out, Hallmark!

 

 

Thanks to our friends Brett, Jason, Kevin, Lisa, and Eric for all the help with this madness. You people are as sick and twisted as us and we love you for it!

 

Copyright © 2011 Little White Lion
All Rights Reserved

What a Girl Wants

YAY, it’s almost Valentine’s Day!   I have never said those words in my lifetime. When I was single, I hated this day because of the pressure I felt to make it look like I had cool plans… hell, any plans! And now that I’m not single, I really prefer to have no plans (don’t judge me.. I need sleep). When I asked one of my friends for help with writing this blog and he said, “Hel-LO, I’m married. I haven’t celebrated this holiday in years.”  Yeah, I totally get that.  And can you really call it a “holiday”?? To me, it’s just a day that has been forced on us and causes a certain level of panic no matter what your situation.

 
And it can be a real challenge to figure out what, if anything, you want when asked. Take me, for example. I am  a super frugal female who is not very romantic. That means if you make me a homemade card with a sappy love poem, I will probably dig that we have plenty of money leftover to go out to dinner, but I might be too nauseous to eat it after reading that card. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate anything I am given. But I’m at the point in my life where if you’re going to get me something, I’d like to.. I don’t know.. actually like it.

Really it can be tricky for peeps on either side of the gift. If you do something to acknowledge the day and what you do sucks, you disappoint your target. (I like using the term “target” because of that whole Cupid shooting peeps with an arrow deal the only thing I find slightly kick ass about Valentine’s Day). Then again if you don’t do anything special for your target – because you don’t know what to do or your target tells you not to do anything but really doesn’t mean it (Estrogenocide Alert!  yes, we ladies will sabotage you this way, guys) – then you’re probably going to look like a douche. This is a big part of why Valentine’s Day sucks.

That’s why I decided to write this helpful guide for you men who are struggling to figure out what to do for your special someone this year. Even if your lady is a hopeless romantic who wants you to spend an ass load of money on her, you might still find something useful here. Or you may just laugh and think, thank God I am not with this batshit crazy female!

The Gift of Calories

Men, don’t forget those three very important words this Valentine’s Day:  Bitches Need Chocolate. I have to say that the gift of a box of candy is pretty unoriginal. However, it does have its advantages. One is that you are letting your target know that you trust her with chocolate. But what you may not realize is that we secretly believe you are saying we look good enough that we can handle gaining a few pounds. Men, this is HUGE… no pun intended. Please though, if you do buy chocolate  get the good stuff… not the crap in the tacky cardboard heart that’s in a bin beside the condoms at the drugstore! (although who can’t appreciate that product placement?)

Here’s the break down of the levels of skill in Valentine’s Day gift giving:

Amateur:  A sub-standard candy assortment or a month’s supply of Kit Kats.

Almost a rockstar:  Godiva chocolates or dinner at a nice restaurant.
(if the restaurant has the name of a dude in it, or contains the word “Corral” or “Barrel”, it’s a NO go, m’kay?)

Expert:  Bacon.
Nothing says “I care about you and I am so sure you don’t need to diet that I am giving you your fat gram allowance for the next month in advance” quite like bacon. Plus you’re showing your willingness to share bacon. That’s love, man! Remember, bacon is meat candy. This just makes sense.


The Gift of Leisure

In many cases, your target wants time to herself more than she wants time with you (sorry boys, truth hurts). Because it’s the beginning of a new year, you might be tempted to buy her a gym membership. Do NOT do this. Even if she has said the words, “I would like a gym membership”, she does not mean it… at least from you. Purchasing something like this activates a booming voice in her head that repeats, “HE THINKS YOU ARE A FAT ASS”, for an indefinite period of time. I know it’s confusing, but we’re women so just accept it and move on. If you want to get her some yoga pants or other workout wear, that is fine. Workout clothes make great loungewear! (I should know since I call my yoga pants, “beer drinking couch pants”)

Amateur:  A stairmaster or a snuggie.
Either extreme of this broad spectrum is a bad move. The stairmaster implies that she’s not perfect. And the snuggie implies that you think she will never be perfect. BAD.

Almost a rockstar:  Do all the household chores, take care of the kids, or both.
Your woman needs a break, so anything that helps lighten her load is a good thing. If you really want to make her happy, hire a professional crew to clean the house. You might be very pleased with the reward you receive! (unless you don’t like blow.. uh.. pops… *cough*)

Expert: 
Cash.
I’m not kidding. And I don’t mean a ton of bank. Just give me 5 bucks so I can treat myself to a Starbuck’s (well ok, make that 10 bucks… those bastards..) With the gift of money, she can do what she wants and you have sacrificed something that is really important to you, which shows you mean business. WIN!


The Gift of Appliances

…Quit doing that.
(seriously… don’t ever give your target an appliance as a gift… never ever ever ever)

Amateur:  NO!

Almost a rockstar:  NO!  (I’m not kidding… you will not get laid for months)

Expert:  A blender AND a bartender.
Honorable mention:  A kegerator.
These are the only two exceptions and if you do either one you are a badass.


The Gift of Romance

Like I said, I’m not really romantic, so this is a tough one for me. I can tell you what is not romantic:  the “wang wave”. That’s anything involving you grabbing your penis and waving it around at your target. I found out that it is also known as “the helicopter” (thank you urbandictionary) Whatever you call it…WHAT THE HELL??!!… yeah, this is not romantic and most ladies will not find you sexy for doing it, perhaps ever again. Try something like having a picnic with a cheese wheel and large box of wine or bring her favorite beer home to her (by now, you’ve figured out that my love language is 80 proof). Pick a simple gesture that you know she likes and just do it. Just do not pull out your “love gun” unless she asks, ok?!

Amateur:  Anything involving an unwelcome penis.

Almost a rockstar:  Anything involving food that she doesn’t have to prepare.

Expert:  Anything involving booze.
If she doesn’t like the gift, then you get to keep it. Either way, somebody’s getting ripped!


GOOD LUCK and Happy Valentine’s Day!

Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions Gone Wrong

Here are some twisted interviews with some of the most talked about people in the media (and a couple of crazy other ones thrown in as a bonus). Happy New Year!

{Disclaimer:  yeah, these didn’t really happen}

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks once again to our friend, Brett Watts, for the creative assist!

What Does Your New Year’s Resolution Really Mean?

 

 

What Your New Year’s Resolution Really Means

Holiday Songs Gone Wrong – “Wonderful Christmastime”

This song is a little bit different from the other songs gone wrong, but it was inspired by a request for more booze-related tunes.

Join me as I pay tribute to the awesomeness of wine, won’t you? (just keep in mind, I’m not encouraging alcohol abuse here.. this is humor only, people! )

 

Holidays. Stress. Booze. Tis the Season!

 

 

 

 

Wonderful Christmas Wine

Sing it with me to the tune of “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney – here we go!

It’s booze tonight
I have my cup

A box of wine
Hope it’s enough

Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine
Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine

The pressure’s on
The family’s here

We need some fun
We’re outta beer

Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine
Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine

The wine is gone
What is our fate?

Let’s suck the booze
Outta the rum cake

Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine
Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine

The grapes of wrath will take their toll
My head bangs like a gong

Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong

The party’s on
More peeps showed up

They brought Mad Dog
Liver, good luck

Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine
Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine

The night is gone
The sun is up

Woke in the yard
With the lawn orn’ments

Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine
Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine
Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine
Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine

Ohhhhh…..ohhhhhh….ohhhhh
Ohhhhh…..ohhhhhh….ohhhhh

Christmas WIIIIINNNNNEEEE…….

(For those of you not familiar with this song, here is the video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9BZDpni56Y …AWESOME, yes? If you want to sing our version, but don’t want to offend certain friends and family, just substitute “Simply having some wonderful Christmas wine” for “Simply having a shit ton of Christmas wine”.  Merry Christmas, peeps!)


Copyright © 2011 Little White Lion

All Rights Reserved

Elf on a Shelf Gone Wrong

Elf on a Shelf. The latest phenomenon in Christmas gimmicks. Cute, huh? Creepy is more like it. But we sure had a lot of fun with him in making this. Santa has probably decided we’re not even worthy of coal and will bring us a urinal cake instead. We deserve it.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Thanks to our friend, Brett Watts, for the creative assist, as well as to Salty Dad (http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Salty-Dad/135827763144432) for letting us borrow a photo and for the inspiration for all this madness!

Holiday Songs Gone Wrong – “Jingle Bells”

 

I work at a pharmacy and started writing these to entertain my co-workers. Each year, I write at least one new song dedicated to a particular medication. One of my male friends complained because it seemed like my songs were written more for women. Hmmmmm… Ok. Problem solved! (I bet I’ll never be asked to do this again, tee hee) Enjoy!

 

  

Cialis (to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Ci-al-is, Ci-al-is
Cialis today

Oh what fun it is to rise
And hit that va jay jay… HEY!

Ci-al-is, Ci-al-is
Cialis today

Oh what fun it is to rise
And hit that va jay jay

Crashing with some ho
Warming up to get some play

My poor organ goes
Limp bizkit and stays

Several cocktails gleam
Making heads feel light

What fun it is when pants fin’lly
Feel like your crotch has fight… OH!

Ci-al-is, Ci-al-is
Cialis today

Oh what fun it is to rise
And hit that va jay jay… HEY!

Ci-al-is, Ci-al-is
Cialis today

Oh what fun it is to rise
And hit that va jay jay

 

Copyright © 2011 Little White Lion
All Rights Reserved

Celebrity Letters to Santa Gone Wrong

We’re taking a break from our Holiday Songs Gone Wrong to bring you some twisted wish lists from some of the most talked about people in the media. Hope you enjoy!

{Disclaimer:  yeah, these aren’t real}

 

 

 

Thanks to our friend, Brett Watts, for conceiving this idea and writing much of the material. Looks like he will join the rest of us assholes here at the Lionz Den in getting coal in his stocking this Christmas!