It’s good I have this bumper sticker with all the stick figures so you know I’m having a breakdown

Recently I passed a minivan with one of those bumper stickers announcing that the mom driving said minivan had an amazing kid who had made the honor roll. I really detest these stickers. Not because I don’t think it’s great to have a kid who makes the honor roll, but rather I question that the family vehicle is the best place to advertise that he did. So where do you draw the line in praising children’s accomplishments? It’s as if people believe they are not good parents unless they’re using every square inch of their bumpers to tell us about their kids. (LITTLE WHITE LIE Alert!)

Years ago and shortly after my oldest daughter learned how to read, we passed a car with an honor roll shout out (I like to call these moving billboards, “honor rides” or “stationbraggins” depending on the model). My daughter innocently asked a very good question: “will you still be proud of me if I don’t make the honor roll?” The answer to that is a resounding hell YES. But her question is related to why I don’t like these damn stickers. We all have something to be proud of, and who’s to say that your kid making the honor roll is a bigger deal than my painfully shy child making a new friend at school? Both are full of win. My kid’s triumph won’t be on a bumper sticker, yet I am just as pride filled about her success as you are of your little smarty pants.

This has zero to do with me not believing in healthy competition. I’ve always preferred that my kids work for 1st, 2nd and 3rd place ribbons at their school’s Field Day, rather than receiving the expected “participation ribbons” just for not playing hooky that day. So I totally get and appreciate the excitement when your kid gets good grades – even if mine doesn’t. But I also think there are other moments deserving of kudos. Like the time my youngest pulled out a booger and asked me if I thought it looked like Jesus. I realize her doing something like this won’t help get her into college, but with a killer sense of humor, she might be better able to survive the ups and downs that life hands her. (and for the record, I think somehow documenting her discovery on a bumper sticker would be EPIC)

As for the original “honor ride” that prompted this post? The minivan was an older model and the sticker was worn and peeling. That former honor student may now be a high school dropout or the latest unwilling victim of a Maury Povich paternity test.. anything is possible! And it totally cracked me up to think about it. Why? My kid found Booger Jesus. Your move, Einstein.

This whole thing inspired the following status on my Facebook page: “I’m so sick and tired of these bragging bumper stickers about kids being on the honor roll or kicking Chuck Norris’ ass, etc. I’d like to see more realistic statements like, Everyone in this minivan is wearing pants.. we rule! I asked for more sticker sayings and received suggestions from drivers who were equally annoyed with other people’s “perfect lives” being put in their faces. The best 20 are listed below. Today we salute REALITY! (with a big shot of snark)

The Top 20 “Reality Bites” Bumper Stickers

My kid may not be on the honor roll, but he can hold my beer without spilling it while I drive

My kid can’t read your stupid bumper sticker

Six kids on board and giving them all guilt trips. Catholic parents ROCK.

My daughter is in high school and I’m not a grandparent.. yet

My dog can lick your dog’s balls

Coffee + Activia = I have the right of way

My degenerate beat up your honor student

Grades are overrated when my kid can burp the alphabet

My kid may have been held back in Kindergarten, but she’s now big enough to beat up everyone in Math club

I can drive, text, and beat the shit out of my kids at the same time

My kid flunked Science but was smart enough to help me set up a meth lab in the basement

Caution: one hand on cell phone and the other around my kid’s neck

My kid just outscored me on our 5th grade Science quiz!

Points if you’re behind me and you hit the kid I throw out the window

Gas, cash, or groupons…no one rides the minivan for free

Low IQ isn’t just a number. It’s a way of life.

My underachiever got your honor roll student pregnant

Life’s a beach! (and then you have to clean sand out of your ass crack)

My kid broke into a tampon dispenser to pay for the parking meter

My other kid is Lindsay Lohan

(many thanks to our Twitter friends, @StumpWoodley and @darinlovesbacon for their contributions, as well as @WhatRedSaid for finding Jesus in her nose–Karen Hockins)

Copyright © 2011 Little White Lion
All Rights Reserved

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53 responses

  1. I work with a guy that drives a minivan … apparently it is his new wife’s vehicle … on the back is a woman, 2 kids, 2 dogs, and a cat … wonder if he has noticed that he hasn’t ranked high enough on the list to take the place of the dude she scraped off with a razor?

  2. I actually apperciate this one , all of my kids are learning disabled and one has made “b” honor roll now she thinks if her grades slip she is going to let us down and I told her no you won’t I don’t care if you get a d just as long as your trying your hardest and she smiled … this is why I hate the “honor roll stickers” they make kids feel bad if they can’t achieve it ..

  3. As the mother of both LD and Honor Roll kids, we have insane competition in our house. I’m proud of all my children, regardless of how much they drive me insane. I used to have one sticker on my now totalled (thanks to an idiot that ran into me while I was stopped) car. It was only for citizenship. I have about 15 stickers that are at the house without a bumper to be on. That is where they will probably stay. Honestly, I was a straight A student that had 2 scholarships going into my jr year. I screwed up and dropped out. It could happen to them too and I will still love them all. Might kill them, but still love them.

  4. I look at it like this—all children are different. They all have unique qualities. If we parents roll out of the school years (youngest is 10 here) without teen pregnancy or a child in juvenile hall, we accomplished a LOT in this society. And my delinquent will STILL kick your honor student’s ass 3 ways from Sunday.

  5. I loathe bumper stickers, memorial stickers, or the tagging with window chalk. Why do I want to pay for a damn vehicle and turn it into a crappy bulletin board for the whole world to see. Isn’t that why I bought a refrigerator for? I swear to Jebus if my kids place a cheesy memorial of me on any car they ever own…I will haunt them to their own graves. Really why does one think “oh grammy died lets tell the world on my back shield.” ??

    • Even worse than that are the memorials to famous people! “#3 – Dale Ernhardt – Gone but not forgotten.” Please!! You didn’t even know the guy! If you had died instead, I promise you Dale would not have put your name on his back window! Nor would he have sent flowers to the funeral or anything! Grow up people!! You don’t know celebrities!!

  6. I have told my husband that the only way I want a memorial sticker is if it is on his new hot wife’s sportscar that he bought with my life insurance money.

    PS. I would buy a booger Jesus t-shirt.

  7. As a fellow snarktopus, I fully agree with and support the awesomeness of booger Jesus. And my back window decals on my mini-van are a family of Daleks from Dr. Who. If you’re not familiar, Daleks are defined on the Wikipaedias as “a powerful race bent on universal conquest and domination, utterly without pity, compassion or remorse.”

  8. Wow. I thought I was the only honor student who got knocked up by someone else’s druggie delinquent. (After high school, of course. Mine was the uber-scary Mom.) 😉

    I’m thinking about making up my own stickers: “My Honor Student knocked the crap out of your delinquent for hitting on his girlfriend.” But that might be too long to fit on a sticker. That would wrap around a car…

    And who wouldn’t wear a Booger Jesus t-shirt?

  9. You guys are cracking us up with your comments. So glad this gave you some laughs. Who knows, maybe Booger Jesus shirts will become a reality some day? Stay tuned! And thanks for reading.

  10. When my brother and sister made the honor roll, they bought my parents bumper stickers that said “My kid can kick your honor students ass.”
    They hated those stickers.

  11. I loved your article. I specialize in anything sarcastic and funny. I started making bumper stickers and t-shirts at home a few years ago to counter the politically correctness of our society. If no else gets a laugh, I do. My son wears his shirts to school. His humor is his statement. He is an honor student but he values his sense of humor more lol

  12. Great stuff. I have a bumper sticker on my fridge, ”Who cares about your honor student, my kid’s got a Purple Heart”. Yeah, mine are older. LOL

  13. This is hilarious! I especially like the one above me “My kid’s autistic. What the hell is your excuse?” and the first one suggested by the blogger.. “Everyone in this minivan is wearing pants.. we rule!” (If I had a minivan, I would put that sticker on it for SURE. And Booger Jesus.

    So, one thought for the pool of thoughts. A lot of the suggested slogans are anti-intellectual. It isn’t bad to be smart. It isn’t cool to fail science and math. Just because some people do doesn’t mean it is good or is bad. This obsession we have in society with science and math has got to stop. But, I don’t really see how to make all types of learners and brains equally valuable. It would be nice, but it doesn’t seem like human nature to do so. Heck, nature as a whole doesn’t make things fair or equal.

    I am sure saying this makes me a killjoy. I guess I can see why so many people hate smart kids. WE’RE JUST NO FUN. =P

    • You are not a killjoy. Your point is very valid! I think our contributors were focused on the intellectual jabs because the original issue was with an “Honor student” bumper sticker. It’s good to be smart (hell, I’m brilliant…LOL) but we were trying to make fun of that being shoved down our throats.

      I TOTALLY agree about math and science. I was an English/writing whiz, but that never seemed to be taken as seriously as the other subjects. But you know what, my grammar skills have come in WAY more handy in life than anything I ever learned in Algebra!!!

      Thanks for your comment. I dug it. 🙂

      • Here’s another point. If my child is honestly doing the very best she can do, and she gets a C, then doesn’t she desirve to be recognized and praised as well. She is autistic and her getting that C was probably alot more work than it was for some kids to get an A, but she is not recognized for her success and indeed is often criticized for it not being “better”. Is that fair? Shouldn’t we be focused on praising the kids giving it the very best they have, regardless of what that “best” is? Just a thought.

  14. My all time favorite “Horn broken watch for finger” On my High School Buddy’s Primered ’49 chevy pickup with no bed or rear bumper “Don’t laugh your daughter may be in here”

  15. Undeniably believe that that you stated. Your favorite justification appeared to be at the net the simplest thing to understand of. I say to you, I certainly get irked whilst other folks think about worries that they plainly don’t understand about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the top as neatly as defined out the whole thing with no need side effect , people can take a signal. Will probably be again to get more. Thank you

  16. The day my oldest son got out of jail after his first felony, I bought him a carton of cigarettes and a bottle of Crown Royal ! I still have the picture of the day he got out on my printed T-shirt and wear it proudly at the mall every weekend !

  17. “my 16 year old son was caught with colt 45…where did i go wrong?” I’m gonna need that one for the back of my nascar minivan.

  18. Really loving the “my daughters in high school & not pregnant yet.”. Bumper sticker idea. It like a new toy now days to teenage girls….. Ughhhh.

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