Dang, everyone was gettin’ some at my wedding but me!

The title of the blog is an actual statement made by a bride after her wedding…in public.. actually worse, on Facebook. Was she kidding that she didn’t get busy on her wedding night? I’d rather not know. But this is only one example of the phenomenon known as: The Southern Wedding. I just returned from one and am still feeling the high from all the energy I used trying to figure out if each of the overly-friendly wedding guests like me or really think I’m a jackwagon. Southern folks have this down to an art form. No matter how they feel about you, you’ll probably be treated the same. It’s an awe-inspiring trait I’m proud to possess since I too was raised in the heart of Dixie. But in case you were wondering.. when asked, southerners will tell it like it is. (you’ve been warned)

To our credit though, we will communicate with you as nicely as possible, until you piss us off (and I do not recommend that). For example, the other day I told a friend, “I am not one to judge other people’s poor life choices.” See what I did there? I was using my mad bitch skills, but in a way that might lead some people to believe I was being nice. That’s AWESOME. Add a little, “bless their hearts” to the end of it, spoken in Twanglish, and that’s pure gold, baby. Twanglish is the English language spoken with a lovely and endearing twang – well at least mine is, ya’ll!

Ok, back to the nuptials. Are you imagining “Steel Magnolia’s”? “Sweet Home Alabama”? Those movies do not  and could not truly capture the experience of a southern shindig. For one, the amount of time dedicated to the ceremony is a total crap shoot depending on the religious preference of the happy couple. On a scale of minutes (or an hour or more if you’re really screwed) ranging from: “I’m about to piss my pants but I can wait” to “Oh my F’n God, I should have beer bonged some Red Bull in the car so I can stay awake”.. anything is possible. The shortest wedding I’ve ever attended was a Lutheran wedding that lasted a whopping 7 minutes. I was so happy that I kicked in a post-ceremony bottle of George Dickel as an extra wedding gift to compliment that toaster. They totally deserved it for getting us from the wedding march to the open bar in under 10 minutes. Boom!

But arguably the most interesting part of the southern wedding experience is the after party. Some of the things you overhear just while you’re working that buffet line can be game changers. A guest at this wedding called my can of Coors Light a “urine daiquiri” because of its alleged resemblance to piss. (HATERS!… but you can bet I’ll totally be using that) Then there was the male guest who felt comfortable enough to ask me, “Hey, do you know what redneck foreplay is? ..Get in the truck bitch!” At first I wasn’t sure if that was the punchline or if he was hitting on me – and as bad as the joke was, thank God it was the latter. No more urine daiquiris for you, dude! (told ya I was gonna use that)

But even more shocking than the fact I actually think this marriage will last (I DO.. HA! bad pun intentional), is what I realized while attending this event. I was in my hometown (which is not always a good thing for some peeps) and really felt “at home”. Not bad for not having lived there for over 15 years! And the credit lies with the fine people of the south. They totally rock at making you feel appreciated and welcome, no matter how long you have been away – or even if you were never there to begin with. So cool to have a moment of clarity like that while watching a childhood friend get married.. and while holding a big ass urine daiquiri! (no, not her, I’m still the one holding the daiquiri.. and hey, I used that term again.. bless my heart)

The day after the wedding, I was still feeling the love from the evening. As I took inventory of the smattering of new zits that had sprouted since the night before and desperately tried to fit into my pants, I made a list of things that I love about southern weddings. If you like what you’re reading, then ya’ll come back to our blog now, ya hear? <– spoken in slightly broken Twanglish.. yee haw!

Top 15 Signs you went to a wedding in the south

1. You’re consumed with worry that there might’ve been pieces of that chicken leg you ate in your teeth in all the reception photos.
2. You have a splitting headache and you’re not sure if it’s because of the gallon of sweet tea you drank, or the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.
3. Because of all that sweet tea, you have to eat sugar packets for a few days after the wedding so your body won’t go into shock from withdrawals.
4. You’re not sure who kept pinching your ass all night, but you are sure it wasn’t your spouse.
5. When you mention that your earrings are too heavy, someone tells you it’s OK if your earlobes fall off because they can be used as bass bait.
6. You’re not sure if you’re having a mild heart attack or if you pulled something while trying to look “less white” on the dance floor.
7. You cannot get the song “Sweet Home Alabama” out of your head and you fear you never will.
8. Your bicep is sore from carrying around a big ass plate of BBQ all night at the reception.
9. Macaroni and cheese was the vegetable side dish offered at the reception.
10. You’re missing an article of clothing and have no idea where it is. (if you’re lucky, it’s just a shoe)
11. You have fond memories of when the preacher said, you may now kiss the bride, and the guests shouted, Rolllllllll Tide!!!!!!
12. The reception could not start until the venue’s wheels were securely chocked.
13. It was so cool how all the gifts were already wrapped in neat packs of twelve. Take THAT, Martha Stewart!
14. Your oversight of not having a lighter when the DJ played Freebird was considered a huge faux pas.
15. You noticed that, clearly, this was not the bride’s first “money dance”.

(Thanks to my good buddy, Kevin Goodman, for his help and inspiration with this list. Without him, I never would have known that my “ big ghetto hooker earrings” could have helped feed the fish.)