YAY, it’s almost Valentine’s Day! I have never said those words in my lifetime. When I was single, I hated this day because of the pressure I felt to make it look like I had cool plans… hell, any plans! And now that I’m not single, I really prefer to have no plans (don’t judge me.. I need sleep). When I asked one of my friends for help with writing this blog and he said, “Hel-LO, I’m married. I haven’t celebrated this holiday in years.” Yeah, I totally get that. And can you really call it a “holiday”?? To me, it’s just a day that has been forced on us and causes a certain level of panic no matter what your situation.
And it can be a real challenge to figure out what, if anything, you want when asked. Take me, for example. I am a super frugal female who is not very romantic. That means if you make me a homemade card with a sappy love poem, I will probably dig that we have plenty of money leftover to go out to dinner, but I might be too nauseous to eat it after reading that card. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate anything I am given. But I’m at the point in my life where if you’re going to get me something, I’d like to.. I don’t know.. actually like it.
Really it can be tricky for peeps on either side of the gift. If you do something to acknowledge the day and what you do sucks, you disappoint your target. (I like using the term “target” because of that whole Cupid shooting peeps with an arrow deal – the only thing I find slightly kick ass about Valentine’s Day). Then again if you don’t do anything special for your target – because you don’t know what to do or your target tells you not to do anything but really doesn’t mean it (Estrogenocide Alert! yes, we ladies will sabotage you this way, guys) – then you’re probably going to look like a douche. This is a big part of why Valentine’s Day sucks.
That’s why I decided to write this helpful guide for you men who are struggling to figure out what to do for your special someone this year. Even if your lady is a hopeless romantic who wants you to spend an ass load of money on her, you might still find something useful here. Or you may just laugh and think, thank God I am not with this batshit crazy female!
The Gift of Calories
Men, don’t forget those three very important words this Valentine’s Day: Bitches Need Chocolate. I have to say that the gift of a box of candy is pretty unoriginal. However, it does have its advantages. One is that you are letting your target know that you trust her with chocolate. But what you may not realize is that we secretly believe you are saying we look good enough that we can handle gaining a few pounds. Men, this is HUGE… no pun intended. Please though, if you do buy chocolate get the good stuff… not the crap in the tacky cardboard heart that’s in a bin beside the condoms at the drugstore! (although who can’t appreciate that product placement?)
Here’s the break down of the levels of skill in Valentine’s Day gift giving:
Amateur: A sub-standard candy assortment or a month’s supply of Kit Kats.
Almost a rockstar: Godiva chocolates or dinner at a nice restaurant.
(if the restaurant has the name of a dude in it, or contains the word “Corral” or “Barrel”, it’s a NO go, m’kay?)
Expert: Bacon.
Nothing says “I care about you and I am so sure you don’t need to diet that I am giving you your fat gram allowance for the next month in advance” quite like bacon. Plus you’re showing your willingness to share bacon. That’s love, man! Remember, bacon is meat candy. This just makes sense.
The Gift of Leisure
In many cases, your target wants time to herself more than she wants time with you (sorry boys, truth hurts). Because it’s the beginning of a new year, you might be tempted to buy her a gym membership. Do NOT do this. Even if she has said the words, “I would like a gym membership”, she does not mean it… at least from you. Purchasing something like this activates a booming voice in her head that repeats, “HE THINKS YOU ARE A FAT ASS”, for an indefinite period of time. I know it’s confusing, but we’re women so just accept it and move on. If you want to get her some yoga pants or other workout wear, that is fine. Workout clothes make great loungewear! (I should know since I call my yoga pants, “beer drinking couch pants”)
Amateur: A stairmaster or a snuggie.
Either extreme of this broad spectrum is a bad move. The stairmaster implies that she’s not perfect. And the snuggie implies that you think she will never be perfect. BAD.
Almost a rockstar: Do all the household chores, take care of the kids, or both.
Your woman needs a break, so anything that helps lighten her load is a good thing. If you really want to make her happy, hire a professional crew to clean the house. You might be very pleased with the reward you receive! (unless you don’t like blow.. uh.. pops… *cough*)
Expert: Cash.
I’m not kidding. And I don’t mean a ton of bank. Just give me 5 bucks so I can treat myself to a Starbuck’s (well ok, make that 10 bucks… those bastards..) With the gift of money, she can do what she wants and you have sacrificed something that is really important to you, which shows you mean business. WIN!
The Gift of Appliances
…Quit doing that.
(seriously… don’t ever give your target an appliance as a gift… never ever ever ever)
Amateur: NO!
Almost a rockstar: NO! (I’m not kidding… you will not get laid for months)
Expert: A blender AND a bartender.
Honorable mention: A kegerator.
These are the only two exceptions and if you do either one you are a badass.
The Gift of Romance
Like I said, I’m not really romantic, so this is a tough one for me. I can tell you what is not romantic: the “wang wave”. That’s anything involving you grabbing your penis and waving it around at your target. I found out that it is also known as “the helicopter” (thank you urbandictionary) Whatever you call it…WHAT THE HELL??!!… yeah, this is not romantic and most ladies will not find you sexy for doing it, perhaps ever again. Try something like having a picnic with a cheese wheel and large box of wine or bring her favorite beer home to her (by now, you’ve figured out that my love language is 80 proof). Pick a simple gesture that you know she likes and just do it. Just do not pull out your “love gun” unless she asks, ok?!
Amateur: Anything involving an unwelcome penis.
Almost a rockstar: Anything involving food that she doesn’t have to prepare.
Expert: Anything involving booze.
If she doesn’t like the gift, then you get to keep it. Either way, somebody’s getting ripped!
GOOD LUCK and Happy Valentine’s Day!
Little White Lion 
Wanted to “Like”, but the login info box is half off the page. LOVED the article, though and agree whole-heartedly!
OMG!!!! The wang wave is SO my husband!!!! I LOVE this article……love love love it!!!
an ex had the rump bump and the flasher. He never could understand why I always rejected his advances. Even though I told him I found it repulsive.
A BF once gave me a music box featuring a red velvet rose in lucite. I was touched, until he admitted that he thought that buying one permanent flower meant never having to buy real ones again. As if!
try plastic roses from the servo (gas station) on the way home. I tried so hard to look like I liked them. He kept saying things like “this way they’ll last”, and “it’s really the thought that counts. Right?”. After 3yrs together I never got a Valentine’s from him. And I’m certainly not counting the rump bump which was not exclusive to Valentine’s day but was sure to make an effort to turn up. Happy me.
You Nailed this!!! Helicopter move..ugh
Finally some good advice for the guys!! And I LOVE that you call your yoga pants, “beer drinking pants”. That really is what they are. You’re just not afraid to speak your truth. **Cheers**
You know, every time I see a post like this(great tips btw) I feel lucky that I have my husband. He is great and always goes all out. =) It helps that it’s also my birthday, and that I have made it clear throughout the 11 years we have been together that I am not to be shortchanged…lol
There ARE some good ones out there! I do believe in fairy tales!
I wonder if any of the women reading this have expressed to their man that they think he is fat. Hmmmm. I’ll bet this has happened. I guess it’s okay, just so long as the woman says it. If you’re tubby, don’t blame us for not being as attracted to you as we once were. Do something abou t it. Also, where is the advice on what to give a guy? Since this “holiday” is supposed to be for lovers, I would think you would be just as concerned with what YOU were going to give as a gift as you are about what you’ll receive. Oh, and if your idea of a “gift” involves you on your back, get over yourself. That’s lame. If I have to buy you candy, a gift, and dinner for the sex, I’m kinda paying for the sex. What does that make you?
Bitter much, Steve?
I think he needs more bacon in his diet. xo
This was written from the standpoint of a woman, thus the title What a GIRL wants.
I think it would make that woman a whore, and deep down isn’t that what all men want? Once a year you can have that fantasy come true, so why complain? And also, just be happy you’re getting it at all considering your super upbeat attitude. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
Steve, you’ve got issues.
Hmmm. Steve, you sound like a real good catch. The perfect gentleman. Confident. Emotionally intelligent. Encouraging. Obviously an intellectual. Perfect life partner and baby daddy material. Keep working at it sunshine. Jesus loves you anyhow.
LOL mamabear, you made my day haha!
Shopping for a Valentines Day gift for my husband is easy. If it’s from the electronics department he’s happy. I don’t want booze or candy or some stupid romantic trinket that I am going to end up throwing away in two months after he has long forgotten what he gave me. As for the statement “If you’re tubby, don’t blame us for not being as attracted to you as we once were.” That can go both ways, you see men seem to think they can get as FAT as they want and we as women are supposed to still want them whole heartily. WRONG! In regards to this article I find it amusing. every woman is different all I can say is to each their own,
I asked for breakfast in bed. I was hungry for Kolaches (pig in a blanket). My fiance’ became offended when I asked for a little weenie in bed. •°S
Excellent on so many levels…wang wave made me snort. Make sure the chocolates are GOOD….did you know there are chocolate bars with bacon IN them? Genius. And anything that makes my day easier…that’s what I want for my birthday, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and every Tuesday…which is never going to happen so I’ll take it whenever I can get it.
And Steve, get over yourself. This is comedy, based in reality. It’ll be ok.
ummm… yeah!! i love you… and i love this helpful tip guide… and im completely disappointed in steve (aka sourpuss (emphasis on puss!!) skeeve) WHAT THE FUCK?? i hear theres a place for bawl baby men to vent… its called “your local watering hole!!” its NOT the place called “what a GIRL wants”… i realize how you got confused… since it appears youre bleeding from your mangina… but go complain somewhere else… JAYSUS!!!
… bleeding from your mangina … LOL … priceless ….
Um…I’m thinking Steve won’t be getting any this VD. And yeah, I love this blog.
At first glance, I thought this said “Steve won’t be getting any VD”! I’d say that was a pretty safe bet, unless he really does like to pay for sex.
And hell yeah! This blog rocks!
steve “paying” fir sex is prolly the only way your ever going to get any……i dont blame your woman for making u pay for it. prolly not that good anyway
@ jspo – issue? really? why, b/c I haven’t bought into the nonsense that they try to thrust upon us? okay, sorry I’m not like the other sheep.
@ dana – I respect your thoughful post, well done. all I will say in response to you is that not all men turn into a big tub of fat. I workout, religiously, 5 days a week, ever week. I constantly read up on the subject to learn more about every every aspect, nutrition, supplementation, general health, the whole 9 yards.
@ maureen – “won’t be getting any”. gee, oh no, how will I ever get by? wth is wrong w/ people and why do they think “getting any” is priority #1. look at all the drama and nonsense that comes along w/ “getting some”. you know what else I won’t be getting? STDs
and finally, to you, HISgoddess – goddess? really? over-inflated ego much? how could you possibly be that into yourself when you make that many spelling mistakes in such a short post? Jesus Christ, it’s “you’re”, not “your”. also, your post implies that my statements about Valentine’s Day only apply to my situation. in other words, you assume I’m bad in bed b/c I’m the only guy that has to bribe his g/f to have sex w/ him on that day? i guess you’ve never been at work on Valentine’s (and w/ your spelling, maybe you’ve never had a job, period) Day and seen the parade of gifts sent in to all the ladies. funny, I’ve never seen a guy receive a power tool, or pair of tickets to a game, or ANYTHING else we may enjoy on that day at work. from my vantage point it is veeeeery one-sided, which is my ultimate point in all of this.
Very entertaining and helpful, Karen. Keep up the good work.
Steve: Why don’t you write an article telling us what MEN really want then (other than power tools and tickets to a game – neither of which my husband would use).
There are an awful lot of men, that ignore their wives and girlfriends emotional needs year round, that need to try and make up for it one lousy day a year. Not mine, just saying. It is usually the thoughtfulness we are looking for – not a dollar amount.
And yes, most people realize Valentine’s Day is just a Hallmark holiday and this article is just a bit of fun.
I absolutely agree with you. I have been married for 20 years and am past all of the “Valentine’s” crap! First of all, my daughter’s birthday is exactly a week after Valentines, so I really need to save my money for her gift. Next, our family goes to New Orleans for a week every spring break, which is just a little over a month after Valentines, so we need to save our money for that. My husband and I agreed long ago that we would go and buy each other the tackiest, cheesiest Valentine’s card we could find and that would be it. The card can sing, dance, shoot off fire works, but can’t cost more than $5. It has worked great for us and we both LOVE the cards!!
Ginger, I think I’m going to steal your idea. I get excited about Christmas and celebrating birthdays, but Valentine’s Day, not so much. I prefer the more expensive gifts on the other two days and so what does that leave for Valentine’s? My husband and I would go out to dinner, but we both hate crowds so we’d prefer not to. Buying each other a box of chocolates seems silly just because one day a year Hallmark tells us to. Thus, we usually do nothing and don’t care. I love your idea of the cards. I can see us having fun buying the tackiest card and laughing if we both found the same one. This is absolutely perfect.
LOL…made me smile ! Just love your blog…or whatever you call it…hee hee…..fantabulous! ❤ p.s. happy valentines day!.. 😉
I think the bacon was definitely my fave suggestion. Also, as an aside, my DH once got me a huge beautiful professional grade KitchenAid mixer for a v-day gift. One I’d dreamed-of for years but never expected to receive because we’s po’. I think of how much he loves me & sacrificed to give it to me, every time I look at it. Sometimes an appliance can be a rockstar-win, for the right person. Probably not for every contrived festival of gifting though.
While my husband and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, the bacon was my favorite. Especially since every Saturday and Sunday morning I wake up and say that’s all I want for breakfast. When we went on our honeymoon I woke up one day and my husband asked where I wanted to go for breakfast. I said I wanted to go wherever I could get a plate full of bacon and a glass of orange juice. Even if it meant going to the grocery store and cooking it the kitchen of our condo.
If I got a Valentine I would be shocked
I love so much of the funny stuff you post on Facebook, Little White Lion. I have a folder on my desktop of Funny pictures, most of which I’ve saved from your posts, for later entertainment. Some of your blogs are funny as hell, too. There is one big problem with this one, and I’m only on the second paragraph. You said you appreciate anything you are given, but I bet if someone gave you crabs, you wouldn’t appreciate that. Just sayin…
Bahahahahahahaha!!!! True dat! Well played. 🙂
I love the post(s) & Blog!!! As for “Steve” …. Dude… you SERIOUSLY NEED to lighten up. For one, this blog was “What a “GIRL” wants” and it is for FUN! I get my husband stuff for EVERY “Holiday” weather it be major or minor holiday and a lot of times just because. Valentines is NOT one sided. Most men (Or wanna be men in your case) don’t even care about Valentines Day. So you MUST be butt-hurt because your boyfriend didn’t get you anything. (Yes, I purposely put “Boyfriend”) Get what ever is in your butt out and lighten up dude. SERIOUSLY!
As for “Getting Lucky” on Valentines Day…. you dayum straight! I am an Army Wife and I am very lucky if I even get to spend Valentines Day (Much less any other holiday) with my husband….. So, this means…. when he is home…. YES I expect to get it!
Keep up the good work Little White Lion!!!! Kick ass!!!!
LOVE THIS!!!!
LOVE THIS!!
gotta love anything that involves bacon
Dying laughing here! Perfect. So. Very. Perfect.
“Amateur: Anything involving an unwelcome penis.”
I laughed out loud at this. Sadly, it needs to be said again and again. 🙂
I must be in the minority. I love just about anything that goes in a kitchen and getting all kitchen goodies as a gift for any holiday would please me. One year my husband (I believe we were engaged at the time) gave me a food processor for Christmas because he kept hearing me say I wanted one, but wasn’t sure if I just wanted it or needed it. He gave me several other Christmas gifts as well, but the fact that he got me the food processor made me happy. I love kitchen tools and appliances and gadgets.
I had never heard of the wang wave or helicopter move until my husband told me about it a while back. He was making fun of it and said that men like to do this move. I asked him why a man would ever do this in the presence of a woman and he laughed and said he had no idea. He couldn’t figure out why a man would ever do it, much less in front of a woman. Thank goodness he shares my thoughts! It sounds awful!